Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.

The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.

Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”

I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.

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July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*

August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*

August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*

I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.

GOOGLE: *please create password*

ME: *Giraffe_Neck*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *The_Revenant*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *CVS_receipt*

GOOGLE: *dude*

“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”

“Covid.”

“Toddlers.”

I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.

I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.

Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.

Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.

*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*

“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic*

*stunned whale crowd loses it*

ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES

[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!

me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats

I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.

*Viewing apartments

Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…

Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts

[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]

Can you believe this shit

People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!

Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.

Automatic Door: Screw. You.

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.

Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.

Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.

I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’

I wish I were this cool 😂

If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.

It’s science.

[playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.