The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
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my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Social distancing in Australia:
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Finally gathered all my thoughts and now they’re jumping me.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.