The happy life.. 😊
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Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.