The happy life.. 😊
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I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Australia has an election this year. Wanna talk about it all day, every day, and make it our entire personality?
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”
This is always good for a laugh.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.