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“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.