The happy life.. 😊
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If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.