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what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.