The happy life.. 😊
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[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.