The happy life.. 😊
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every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.