“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
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me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you