the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
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Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
*jingles half the way*
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
[God making bears]
God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging
Angel: Aww
God: Hugs that will kill people
Angel: Wtf?!
I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling