Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?

me: how much for the dog bouquet

girl walking dogs: what

The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos

Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!

Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.

Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*

M: …ignore that.

Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES

Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids

Husband: What’s the nightmare part?

HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY

ME: kinda safe bet there

HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS

ME: again, still no surprises.

Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.

Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.

Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?

Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?

Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.

I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.

Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?

My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.

Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.

BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”

I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.

*ignores high blood pressure*

Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.

Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭

Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.

Keith: Shut it.

Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this

Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.

Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?

[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?

[breaking up yet another fight]

Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?

6-year-old: Because I always win.

This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.

[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!