the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
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Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture