The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.