Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?

wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns

The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.

[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath

Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now

Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?

When I was a kid I assumed all Christmas songs were about Jesus because that was all I was exposed to so everytime I heard Last Christmas I was like…why would Jesus do that

Walking around the house in my undies again…

Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind

*Guy tries giving me his phone number*

Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one

I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.

Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.

ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that

I’m not crazy.

I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.

We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning

—my thighs lying about the friction this summer

Her: See ya later alligator!

Me: *slithers into swamp*

Me: how was your day?

3yo: goob

Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?

[saturday, 5am]

no one:

no one at all:

delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!

Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it

Me: ok

[at grocery store]

Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi

Clerk: quinoa

Me: definitely not eating that

My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them

18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese

robber: gimme your money

me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents

my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.

To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.

COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”

ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”

@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck

My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.

Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.

Her: That’s fine by me!

*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*

There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl