Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.

I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.

I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.

(Outside at dusk)

Wife: Lovely evening.

Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.

Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.

Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes

Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.

It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.

The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-

Me: what is my final challenge

*dragon appears*

Me: oh no

Dragon: spell necessary

Me: OH NO

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot

Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”

If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.

We squint at people because they are not.

decorating my apartment

Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.

Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?

Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants

*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*

Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary

*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance

Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.

I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.

me: I need to speak with the megaster

megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo