Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.

MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig

BAND: Thank God! Finally!

MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster

I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.

My Boss: Are you with me so far?

Me *nodding* : Yes.

*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.

I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.

Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.

Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:

Any room my wife is not in – 1%

Any room my wife is in – 92%

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

person i just met reaches out for hand shake

me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people

In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.

I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.

*Looking through binoculars

Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.

[Gets Pulled Over]

Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out

Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.

The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.

[sitting in dentist’s chair]

Dentist: get out of my living room

Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o

My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese

“Are you still watching?”

Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.

doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?

me: uhhh *looking around room* mop

doctor: it can be whatever you want

me: stegosaurus

doctor: hell yeah there we go

I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.

Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.

Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.

If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant

My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.

Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber