The hardest part about people walking into my office, is convincing them that I have a cat when they spot the litter box.
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After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
2024 has been a rough few years
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep