The hardest part about people walking into my office, is convincing them that I have a cat when they spot the litter box.
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HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
bridal shower ok. baby shower, sure. but what we really need is unemployment showers – imagine you get laid off or quit your job and you throw a party and all your friends have to bring you gifts
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass