The hardest part about people walking into my office, is convincing them that I have a cat when they spot the litter box.
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Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
hey i noticed you’re not saying what i want
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax