The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
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broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Personal question. #JustSaying
