The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
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TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
I’m eating sandwiches you haven’t heard of in jeans you can’t pronounce
Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Not to brag, but I just walked upstairs and remembered why
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist