The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
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On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
work smarter, not harder
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.