The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
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I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Any refunds available?…
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments