Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My blood type is b hungry.

when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology

“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”

Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce

he said he adored my imperfections.

and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????

I need a treadmill with a reward system.

Run 10k, here’s a pizza.

Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.

No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.

friend: i just had an edible

me: you can just say food

A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.

Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap

Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended

“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up

“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*

i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too

sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big

In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.

I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.

We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead

ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years

WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever

The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.

At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.

me: my father shall hear of this

them: is he powerful and wealthy?

me: no we’re just close

instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this

P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.

I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.

Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”

It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.

Finished stitching this today 😇

It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”