Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
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When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
That’s fair
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
a badder mouse
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.