Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kid: whats the meaning of life?

me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end

kid: where do babies come from?

me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…

[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N

Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.

Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.

I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.

*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”

I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.

*wakes up screaming*

Wife: What happened??

Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.

Wife: Silly that’s impossible.

Me: The flying leopard part?

Wife: No, the part about you jogging.

The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late

*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

We couldn’t just…..find their homes?

Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.

Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.

I think I may need professional help…

A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!

[tattoo parlor]

“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”

“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“

“Wisks!”

“Right. That’s why I-”

“I’m weally disappointed.”

The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.

THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.

ME:

THERAPIST: ok?

Me: would that make you happy?

Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers

I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me

I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.

Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.

After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.

Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”

7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”

You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices

An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?

Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.

Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.

i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening

[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first

excuse me