The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
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The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Split the bill
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.