The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
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7yo: Ewwww. Why are you playing that music? The 90s are gross.
Also 7yo: Check out this new cool song I found from Nsync. It’s my favorite, and you are gonna love it, bro.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Me as a therapist: omg same
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?
me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.
9yo: oh… so I should lie?
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
yes… yes…
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃