The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
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I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.