Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”

“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.

MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.

Baffled by bra hooks.

The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”

9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”

And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information

Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day

I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.

Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t

I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.

I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.

Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.

Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????

Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*

When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”

For the record Tom is just a friend.

Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.

The first one, obviously

Cannot stop laughing at this

I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense

[8am, phone rings]

Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.

Me: No worries, I have vodka.

The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”

You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.

When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.

I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.

“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”

my roommate is freaked out.

Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.

Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible

I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out

Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.