The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
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british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.