The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
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Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate