The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
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[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
What the dentist sees
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Good morning ☺️
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.