The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
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Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Good morning, Twitter x
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?