Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*1st dinner date*

Me: waiter, can I get the bill-

Her: I love sophisticated guys

Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?

My son said he’d do something in a minute.

So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.

In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”

Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though

Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”

I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.

I just have a thing for really bad cookies.

[Horsemen tryouts]

APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4

*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*

STEVE: dang it

Vet: “I can see the head…

…here’s the neck…

…more neck…

…more neck…

…neck…

…neck…

…neck…

…still more neck…

…neck…

…it’s a giraffe!”

The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib

Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*

Me: So my car made a noise and..

Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.

if the bag is matte the chips are healthy

marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?

me: i don’t know

my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

ME: do u like smart guys

GIRL AT BAR: yes

ME: sorry i wasted your time

If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.

It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third

“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”

I learned about self care from watching my cat.

I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.

4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!

Me: Awwww, thank y—

4: It looks like a bug

Me:

It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.

Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!

Me: Please dont

Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins

Me: This is never flattering please just shut up

Friend: Look, I took a picture

Me: Man this is an old tire full of water

Friend: You guys are identical!

I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins

a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables

Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’

Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.

0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.

2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.

*goes to watch youtube vid*

BUFFER

well okay *lifts weights*

*checks again*

BUFFER

*does steroids*

BUFFER

“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”

[ first day in funeral home ]

me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off

big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings