Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at my intervention]

mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet

Judge: how does your client plead?

Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually

How much for the angry lawn gnome?

That’s my toddler.

They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list

My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.

Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.

23. the denim jacket

[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?

Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that

I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.

I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.

*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon

My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes

Doctor: You have emphysema

Batman: How?

Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations

Batman:

Doctor:

Batman: *throws smoke bomb*

“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.

Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.

parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never

(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein

I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.

It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said

Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur

[holding hands]

Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all

me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*

FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions

I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.

I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.

So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10

“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”

i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth*

*pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet