Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

😭😭

[first day as a drug dealer]

Buyer: got any Morphine?

Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.

on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽

Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up

*flicks cigarette after a long drag*

Here’s the thi—

*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*

I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers

Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”

My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.

Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.

Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.

3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?

It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.

I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.

*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*

Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day

Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee

Rich People Podcasts are wild.

Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.

Old girlfriends tend to get offended.

Who knew?

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow

How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic

If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep

Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?

Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime

My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.

Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.

3 AM

BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?

In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.

Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.