The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
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midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people