The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
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You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
jesus christ confetti not now
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Fries, not lies.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.