Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.

*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*

“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds

If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific

The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.

She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.

Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.

[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.

You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel

[at DMV]

Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first

Guy in line: that’s not a thing!

Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu

Guy: wha-

Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*

Clerk: cup or cone

Me: cone pls 🙂

Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie

just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics

I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”

I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.

How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.

Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans

twitter users today:

Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..

All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand

the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors

You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship

It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing

This will teach them to underestimate me

And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.

Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right

I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.

Women aren’t hard to read

For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out

You’re done bro

I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing

Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa

Adele: I set fire to Lorraine

Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone

Lorraine: Stop it

An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.

me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao

executioner: just sit in the chair