The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
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The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀 oh sory about that we were just passing by
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist