Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?

Me: Of course ba…wait, what?

*Her jaw unhinges*

“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened

Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well

Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”

Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.

[alarm clock buzzing]

BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early

GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh

train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie

Need this in my life lol

I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.

[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*

People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…

[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?

Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors

Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.

Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…

Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.

I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person

Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing

Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what

How do German people not choke to death when they talk

Me: hey, I like your tummy

Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets

It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.

where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh

I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.

I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .

Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??

“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”

– The AutocorrExorcist

[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]

*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*

You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet

Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”