The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
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Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes