Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”

Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.

[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”

date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”

I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end

Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.

Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions

Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.

My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.

At least I don’t have high blood pressure.

I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.

[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*

[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*

*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*

Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend

date: I wrote a book on lions

me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?

Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.

If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.

“I’m helping” 😅

3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body

*3 running a brush through my hair*

3: I’m making your hair pretty

Me: Thank you

3: instead of so ugly

Me:

Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.

WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.

ME: oh yeah? How much?

WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.

Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?

I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.

me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people

boss: you’re not on mute

me: i know.

Saw online –

Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.

I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.

Smiles from ear to ear.

Wife: what are you smiling about?

Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard

Wife: God I love that dog.

My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.

I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.