The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
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2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
*looks at you in batman voice*
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.
Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal