The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
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Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.