The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
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My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside