The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
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*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!