The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
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screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.