Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: freedom implies the existence of freesub

subway: we said no

I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.

Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer

Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?

I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.

today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize

“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym

ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no

To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.

Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.

[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!

“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!

me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: hmm, that’ll be too much

Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*

White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE

Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.

I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.

I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.

H: I’m going to the store.

M: Why don’t you take my truck?

[3 hrs later]

H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.

M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*

Let’s walk barefoot on grass!

-People who have never walked a dog

me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools

Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.

If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long

When I take a minute to focus on my own life.

her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir

me: can i get 7

her: no

me: 8

her: no

me: 9

her: no

me: 10

her: you can’t do this forever

me: are you even familiar with numbers

her: yes?

me: 11

me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom

my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture

Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development

Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.

Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!

Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?

Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few

My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.