The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
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Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.