ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
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Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Hey whatcha eating?
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Everyone knows Robin but not a lot of people know Batman’s other sidekicks: Stealin, Burglin, Thievin
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
The only reason why i am fat is because a tiny body could not store all this huge personality.