@WyanRilson

The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to

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@Mister_Veritas

ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?

@Brentweets

Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.

@BoomBoomBetty

I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.

The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.

@Brampersandon_

Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*

@TattleTSister

“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.

@DaddyJew

Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.

@slimmy_shady

My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.

@ScorpionDong

Everyone knows Robin but not a lot of people know Batman’s other sidekicks: Stealin, Burglin, Thievin

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?

Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”

Wife:

Me: Everything isn’t about you.

@iGreenMonk

The only reason why i am fat is because a tiny body could not store all this huge personality.