The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
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Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside