Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?

How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test

BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.

Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.

People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.

And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”

Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭

this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now

Please do it!

Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.

Me: I did.

Wife: That’s mauve.

I hate it when she makes up words.

[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.

“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”

OH COME ON

Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:

What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes

*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*

I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU

The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.

Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.

When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.

[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t

Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.

Anyone know how to get a drunk 52 year old dude stuck in a kids booster seat out?

In other news I’m also not allowed at this Applebee’s anymore.

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

Movie Idea:

Lohan.

Bynes.

Statham.

DEATH RACE 2

11yo son just walked by.

If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME: did the dog put you up to this

Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.

friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?

me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk

I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.

One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.

Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”

I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.

{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.