the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
You Might Also Like
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽♀️😭
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker