The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
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My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
next question.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
I set up a Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
car not found
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Teach your children to beatbox
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
This meal prepping shit easy
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.