The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
You Might Also Like
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Monday
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
The doctor asked the 3s what their favorite vegetable was at their physical today.
3B told him bananas.
3A told him cheese.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*