The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
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My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.
I’m literally crying
hey, alexa
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running