Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.

Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.

I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.

told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”

Grocery store

Me: reach something for me?

Tall guy: sure thing!

Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.

[flirting at Taco Bell]

Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.

[seconds later]

Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.

Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.

cop: do you know why your neighbors called us

me: *into megaphone* NO

Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”

“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”

If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard

*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*

That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down

It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.

Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??

Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.

Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.

I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me

[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here

“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”

When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.

I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”

Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.

Friends that check up on you >

Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.

Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.

[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]

Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse

I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.

On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”

[God creating teenagers]

What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?