The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
![]()
You Might Also Like
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course
![]()
![]()
![]()
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
![]()
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
![]()
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
![]()
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Made something I’m not proud of
![]()