Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows

I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet

Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level

What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?

Alcohol?

I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.

Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.

“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.

surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol

[playing flight simulator]

this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano

Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.

My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.

Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.

[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]

Me: Wow, you used to be hot

Wife: *death glare*

Me: …but not as hot as you are now

Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late

Biden: I gave him the wrong address

Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect

Biden: idgaf what they call him

Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.

Did my fruit just move?

Pear-anormal activity

Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.

JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape

Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
follow me for more tips

I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.

Proofread twice, hang posters once

Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.

Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.

Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?

i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.

How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it

The dog version of Die Hard:

– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.

Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.

In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.

realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions