The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
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its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about
Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
I don’t want to exacerbate things. That would just make things worse
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
I’m not too proud to admit I’ve slept my way to the bottom.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
The Murphy bed mishap was as hilarious as it was fatal.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Ask not if it pleases the court – ask what the court can do to please you.
– Chapter Three, Contempt Of Court For Dummies
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.
