the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
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One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*
Boss: that is NOT a costume..
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”
-memories of playing high school sports
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it