the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
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Lube but for my dry humor.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”