the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
You Might Also Like
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
Me: I don’t wanna
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry