The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
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Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.