The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
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bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.