The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
You Might Also Like
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.