The hardest thing Vision has to do
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It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
moms in horror movies
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
79.
At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
*exercises sarcastically*
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out