The hardest thing Vision has to do
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eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”