The hardest thing Vision has to do
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*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Pat is about to own someone
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.