The hardest thing Vision has to do
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me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
That time Alicia messaged me
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.