Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__

Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!

Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.

Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD

Buzzer: *beeps*

Studio audience: *groans*

LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!

ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays

Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”

Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions

Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.

so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.

The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB

The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.

Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.

Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?

ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?

Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*

If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.

Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.

[spelling bee]

Judge- Your word is dirty.

Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?

Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…

Me- Does it want to be spanked?

BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife

you stereotypes are all alike

Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”

Bank: your credit card payment is late

Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate

Bank: what

Me: nothing what do I owe

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.

So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.

Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!

me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!

Mississippi: *crying*

This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.

8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.

If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.

How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?

[watching Tangled with my Daughter]

Daughter: dada

Me: yes?

Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?

Me: I mean-I do now.

In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident

I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.