The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
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“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you