Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!

While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!

(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside

You make me want to be a better sentence completer.

I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?

Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge

If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?

It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.

My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”

I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.

I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.

Here goes….

My hips have lied. Like…a lot.

I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.

College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days

ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once

GIRL: holy cow how did you survive

ME: I fell off the bottom rung

The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”

Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.

Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.

Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron

Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?

Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?

Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?

An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.

No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting

me: how can I impress my date

friend: buy her dinner

me: ok

[later at the restaurant]
her: what?

me: I said how much do you want for your burger?

An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.

My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.

Isn’t that precious?

No. He’s 20.

therapist: why do you do that

me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me

Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.

You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.

Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason

New Year, New Me

New Me [looking around]: absolutely not