Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.

I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.

The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.

Now no one ever knocks on my door.

The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip

Festival

Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?

Me: No, thank you.

PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!

Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.

Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?

Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?

Me: Too late?

If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.

cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*

How it started: How it’s going:

“They grow up so fast.”

– Me, looking at my problems.

*checks BMI chart*

*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*

Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast

Me: eggs

Doctor:

Me: ok reese’s eggs

Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message

can’t wait til they legalize outside

Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me

Being brave is overrated.

Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.

Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.

New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?

Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…

My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?

Me: my children, now give me the ring

My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover

That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.

I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…

…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.

Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie

Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.

I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.

petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”

The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.

I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.

My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.