The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
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seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice