The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
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Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Got the hotel caretaker job! Can finally get cracking on my novel.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
A good lesson here is that you should live your life in such a way that when you die, nobody pulls out a spreadsheet to mathematically explain why they’re happy you’re dead
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?